A man I’ve known for 20 years just died in an accident. He was a very close friend of my husband’s and his death has tossed our lives like a salad. We’re just picking up the pieces this week.
Thus I am late with the blog. And late or dropping many other things as well. It’s a bit like someone removed part of my brain. My husband picked up some groceries and left half of them at the check out, already paid for and bagged. A mother stopped me at school to ask why I wasn’t at T-ball the day before with my son and my brain said “t-ball?” like a really dumb dog pricking up its ears and cocking its head. Huh? There was t-ball yesterday?
I was sitting on a tree root just trying to breathe. Normally getting to t-ball at 6:15pm means the super human feat of getting dinner ready before 5:30pm. Always a mad dash. Lately? Not a chance. I think my brain erased it from my mental calendar because it knew I was useless. I have a lot of balls in the air and many of them are now landing on the ground all around me. I need to take a machete to my long list of commitments or just somehow half ass them away. The mounting stress of insurmountable task lists is starting to crush me. But that’s just logistics…
His death has made everything a little surreal. If his life is over, it reveals the lie that I live with everyday. The lie that says “there is time.” I mean, maybe there isn’t time! The truth is anyone could die right now or tomorrow or soon. We don’t know how much time we have. And if my time is running out, which of course it IS, then what are the main REAL things I’ve left undone? Sure t-ball is great but what about dirty old grudges I haven’t tidied up yet? What about relationships that I’ve neglected? What about the work that I feel called and compelled to do? Have I done enough? Have I told people that I love them? Who and how long ago? If the clock runs out for someone else, what will my regrets be?
Anyway, if you’re out there and you’ve lost someone, or you know how this crazy emotional time can be, leave a comment below and let me know.
It’s nice to know that other people have been here and understand.
May this find you doing your real work and french kissing the hell out of life.